Well, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve written on here. As I’m sure you could tell from some of the more recent posts, it’s been a tough year. So I think I haven’t really had a lot to write, as it’s been just a time of healing, and processing, and growing outside of this space. I don’t think I’ve even had words to express what I have been learning, and if I have had words, they were perhaps not the most gracious ones. And I haven’t had the desire to use this platform to broadcast something that has been very private. So, I have kept silent, and lived life, and worked, and made friends, and connected with old ones, and rested, and cried, and laughed.
I’ve gone to counselling, which I would recommend for anyone, even if you aren’t going through a traumatic time, simply because it is such a life-giving ministry. It’s not easy to shine a light at yourself, examine the circumstances that made you who you are, and realize that you are much more messed up than you ever thought possible. But then you get to have a friend walk alongside you, and point you back to truth again and again. I am still messed up, and it will be a lifelong process to unlearn some of the unhealthy patterns I had adopted, and learn new ones. Most importantly, I need to learn to stop running back to broken, empty cisterns which will never satisfy, and run to the Only One who will, Jesus. I need to learn to preach the truth to myself rather than the lies that circulate daily. I need to get outside and exercise, eat healthy food, read the Bible and pray. It’s pretty simple really, and yet I overthink it constantly. Or perhaps I simply make excuses. And yet, there is freedom and grace available. It’s not about a list of do’s or don’t. It’s not about keeping a checklist out of fear of punishment, for perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). It’s about a Father running to welcome His child home, ready to lavish him with a banquet, not because of anything he earned, but because He loves His child who came home to Him. And I think that’s reason enough to love Him back, don’t you?